With thanks to many individuals including Aaron Gillies, James Felton, Frankie Boyle, Ivo Graham, my brain, Tim Burgess and many others.
and because we need laughter now more than ever
Why did Boris Johnson cross the road with Chris Whitty?
To get to the other slide
Why does Britain love tea?
Because tea leaves
What is the Conservative government's favourite subject?
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that's where I'm taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
No one. We're all locked down
Why do Tories think nurses shouldn't get a pay rise?
Because they're clapped out
Mogg walked into a bar. The barman said "Oi, no cats".
"There will be a smooth transition to the second Trump administration"
Yeah, how's that working out for you Pompeo?
Meanwhile, Joe's just Biden his time
How many Conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because of austerity, it doesn't need replacing.
Donald Trump is visiting a school. He enters one of the classrooms and asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and says, "If my best friend was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No", says Trump. "That would be an ACCIDENT".
A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a school bus that was carrying fifty children crashed and everyone in it died, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not", says Trump. "That is what we call a GREAT LOSS".
The room is silent, and none of the other children volunteer. "What?", asks Trump. "Is there no one in here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand and says in a timid voice, "If an aeroplane carrying you, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Mike Pence, Boris Johnson, Theresa May and Jacob Rees-Mogg was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" beams Trump. "And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well", says the boy, "Because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"
Social distancing has been particularly stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear such measures will push someone over the edge.
Yesterday, UK protesters tore down monuments of Boris Johnson and Theresa May.
Lawyers assume that they will be charged for a statue-tory crime
Wife wants to leave partner after he fucks an entire country
Boris Johnson's wife is reported to have said "I want to leave EU" and in 2 years once the divorce bill goes through he will officially be entering the single market.
Welcome to the festival of brexit! All music is cancelled due to visa issues. The DJ has been deported. The only food stall ran out of food at 10am. There is some English wine over there but it's horrible. Jacob Rees Mogg will be here in 10 minutes to tell you to shut up.
And the only thing you were allowed to do by Boris Johnson in lockdown is (drum roll please)...
Boris Johnson said contingency plans were made for his death. That's true - I'd bought fireworks.
Just because it comes out of Boris Johnson's mouth, it doesn't mean it's scientific fact or a good idea
What's the difference between Boris Johnson and Maggie Thatcher?
One starved miners and one starved minors
Boris Johnson just had an argument with the cabinet
Now he's about to go yell at the table
"My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive."
20th June 2004
Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the “Arrrr!” rate had risen.
Jeremy Corbyn has ignored advice for the over-70s to self-isolate so he can do PMQ's - hoping that one well-aimed cough is all he needs to bring down the government.
Shouldn't the new variant have been subject to the same tariffs as everything else?
Never in a million years did I think that I would go to the bank, wearing a mask and ask for money
Respect to Boris Johnson, a true pioneer in the field of Politicians Who Look Like satirical cartoons of themselves.
Boris Johnson walks into a pub and asks for a pint. The barman draws it & throws it into his face. "Why did you do that?" 'You asked for a pint, but you didn't say how you wanted it delivered." Boris: "I'll have a pint in a pint glass." Barman: "No. You can't ask again." "Why not?" "Democracy."
More coming soon . . .
The government according to Dominic Cummings.
The fact that Liz Truss didn't last as long as the lettuce highlights the issues within the government, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg